Saturday, March 29, 2003 ::: If I Ever Happen to Become an Evil Overlord,
(number goes here). i will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil i really am. good messengers are hard to come by.
(here, too). i won't require high-ranking female members of my organisation to wear a stainless-steel bustier. morale is better with a more casual dress-code. similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal ocasions.
(no prize for guessing what's in here). i will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
(well, whaddya expect?). i will not turn into a snake. it never helps.
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take anything from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
* Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
* Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
* When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for goodness sake turn the bloody lights on!
* Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
* If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
* If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.
* If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
* Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
* And finally, never drink, do drugs, or have sex. Because only virgins survive in the end.
Based on an unoriginal earwig forwarded by Sue Sinclair.
Father Louis Vitale is arrested by a Federal Protective Services officer after Vitale joined anti-war protesters mainly from the religious community who blocked the entrance to the Philip Burton Federal Building in San Francisco, March 28, 2003. Police arrested about 75 monks, priests, rabbis and other clergy in San Francisco while a dozen other protesters linked together with plastic piping were arrested near the White House in Washington D.C. (Lou Dematteis/Reuters)
Friday, March 28, 2003 :::
today ( i.e. friday ) was the last day of bmt. so i'm no longer a lowly recruit - i'm now a lowly private! woot woot!
so to celebrate we had a company happy hour and a long weekend ( meaning we booked out friday night instead of saturday afternoon ) to boot. while i've always maintained that if they really wanted to make us happy they'd let us book out instead of making us stay to attend the happy hour, this one was pretty wild. people were getting stripped left right and centre to celebrate their birthdays. ostensibly. ostensibly, because even as my platoon stripped foo yong zhi he was still protesting that his birthday was in june. then we stuffed ice down his underwear anyway. muahaha. in the words of my platoon sergeant, 1sg tan boon ghee, "lan lan. suck thumb lor!". what a good man he is. i'll miss him.
anyway that wasn't much by the night's standards - 15 alpha stripped a guy completely, carried him around nekkid in full view of the entire company, trainers, officers and even the OC included, poured an entire igloo of ice over him, then, as he sat naked in the middle of the carpark in a pile of ice, sang him happy birthday with the entire company gathered round to watch. and all that wasn't even alcohol-fuelled. i can't imagine what it would have been like if there had been beer around, like at the battalion's pre-atec happy hour. hmm...
anyway. i said i'll miss sgt tan because i'll be leaving first commando on the 7th of april for the airforce. i'll book in as usual on sunday night, but i won't be joining in for basic cdo trg. good and bad - good because we'll be learning lots of cool stuff - real commando training. heli rappelling, tower jumps, abseiling, blowing things up, live firing cool support weapons like the LAW, 203 and MG. bad because there'll be lots of tekkan for sure, in addition to a major session. its a tradition that in the middle of some night - you don't know when - the entire company will get turned out and whacked really hard before they get presented with their jungle hats - more commonly known as condom hats. can't say i will regret missing all that, especially after this past monday night's session, but there are also good times and we've had a lot of laughs. so anyway i'll be transferred from my platoon to the company hq for next week to be a sai kang - shit work - warrior.
but hey. at least i'll be getting lots more dough as a pilot trainee - something to the tune of $1600, i think. not bad at all, i think. for as long as i can stay, anyway. most people expect me to be back sooner or later. its a joke that out of every 10 people who leave for pilot training, 11 come back. my trainers all go, "oh, see you in 2nd coy" - that's the next training company. and even as the sergeant major - a pretty good man - offered his congratulations and wished me luck he unconsciously implied that i'd be back. he was telling me to maintain my fitness, so that "when ( i ) come back" i wouldn't have too tough a time.
to some extent even i expect myself to get chopped. it isn't being pessimistic, or lacking in confidence. rather, its a fact that the rate of attrition is extremely high. and keep in mind the people getting chopped have all passed an initial screening and selection stage. reality bites.
